A jagged rock . . .

Butt, but, butte, toot, hoot, flute, poot, scoot, root, newt

2006-06-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

So,
Chris and I went on our biking expedition yesterday. I am TIRED.

At various times I would say to Chris (who is indefatigable), "You go ahead. Just leave me. Tell the children I love them!"

To which she would reply, "Oh c'mon, it's FUN!"

Surprisingly enough, nothing hurts today but my. . . butt. I absolutely could not have done even the tiny bit that I did do hauling the girls. Keep your trailer, Susan. It's pure insanity.

Anyway, be proud of me. I got off my. . .butt. . .sort of.

Piddle.

2006-06-06T01:42:00.000-07:00

School starts tomorrow for the summer.

That is good news.

Most of the classes in my department got cancelled and I was in danger of losing mine to low enrollment and then seniority bumping but apparently no one can teach those hours. Thank you, GOD. Sorry, folks, the kids gotta eat.

I'm still contemplating the Ph.D. I waver between online and in person at MSU. Any thoughts? FUnding is always an issue, but an issue either way.

I hope to take a bike ride on Portland's trails next saturday. Does anyone want to loan me their kidlet trailer (SUSAN)? And on Wed. I hope to go to Kresge in the morning to look at some art? Care to tag along? Don't worry. . . I'm laughing, too.

Another set of truths

2006-05-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to be alone. You may have already guessed that from the trips I take and long to take. Sometimes I wonder if I have gotten to like it (being alone) too much.

This weekend Mama Melinda took me camping. The monkeys were with their father.

I went to sleep around 11 on Sunday night in our big tent(we have 3 tents and we never camp. go figure) and I woke up alone. Ahh, glorious.

I laid in bed (in bag?) till I was good and ready to get up. There were no sounds of need. No "mom, mom, mom, mom,mom...etc." Just crickets and birds and things that take care of themselves.

NICE.

I did have to repeat this mantra:

"Our God is not a God of anxiety,"

in order to not worry about my broken van or where Lila will go to school or being lonely in the long run or, or, or....

I think it worked. Today was a good day.

Redemption

2006-05-26T15:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so. . .

Book group was last night. At my house. For the first time in 2 years.

I was, of course, in a panic. But it turned out wonderfully. And all the ladies were so wonderful to overlook our plethora of plastic toys, half painted kitchen and sprung (as in, springs are sprung) couches.

I tell you, it almost made up for the $400 flights to New York ( I want to go to the Guggenheim, remember). Thanks, ladies!

Got no plans for Memorial Day. Care to invite us?

Feelings, woah woah woah, feelings

2006-05-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

So, the girls and I went to a softball game that Annie Rae was playing tonight. Mr. Mike and Mama Melinda (Eva calls her Mama Minda) were there. Eva was sort of concerned that we would not be seeing Buster Brown because "they go together, like Rama Lama Lama Ka ding ditty ding de dong!" I tried to explain that we were not going to Mama Melinda's house and that's where Buster would be. It was an uphill battle all the way. I don't think I won.

Eva did come by to ask if she could pet some woman's baby. Seriously.
I said, "You'll have to ask her."

She did.

So,

I've been having a lot of feelings. I am not used to that and I don't really care for it, frankly. I decided to take a sleeping pill and a glass of wine tonight and that should take care of today. Tomorrow, another uphill climb.

Here's a really raw and honest question(good thing I had the wine. I'm sure I'll regret this in the morning). Why would Satan choose to attack a person (you and/or me) in a particular place repeatedly? Now please don't think that I am trapped or returning to my charismatic roots, but it has come to my attention that I get smacked in the same place again and again. And it's not in my sense of worth at work or in my sense of worth in parenting (much) but my sense of control and worth when it comes to emotion and the concept of deep and honest interpersonal relationship. But think about this, you could probably ask any of my close friends(there are actually quite a few, I would say) and I would guess they'd say they know me well. But I am beginning to doubt that, perhaps I don't know myself all that well. I find myself feeling more and more isolated in my "holy of holies"and I haven't quite figured out why or what can be done.

I would have thought that I am a really open person, but I begin to wonder and I'm sure it stems from some sort of fear of rejection. It's odd.

I want to go to New York. I'd like to walk the Guggenheim sans kidlets. I think that would make me feel better. Odd.

Kisses.

URRPP!

2006-05-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

Right, so. . .

I've mostly divested from MySpace, quit my second job and spent a lot of money today. Things are going well.

I've come to realize that in the last 3 years I've had 4 different blog addresses. I'm sure that has some deep meaning in the grand scheme of things, but I've decided to just go with it. The people that need to find me will.

Today was a good day. Warm, sunny, with only a scattering of tears and screaming. As wonderful as the girls are, they are still siblings.

I was actually blog reading today and came across some really funny stuff. It's good to know that humor lives on in cyberspace.

I went to dinner (alone) at Cheeseburger in Paradise by the Lansing Mall and had a Watermelon martini. They are quite large. So I thought I'd better have a walk before I drove home. So there I am trying to navigate across SAGINAW 3 sheets to the wind. Yikes. BUt I am all right and alive. Big Lots is having a big sale. There is no furniture at Burlington Coat Factory and if you run really fast crossing 5 lanes of traffic is a cakewalk. Really.

The mall pretty much sucks these days;it's all under construction. A dumb move, I think, this close to summer.

After an hour and a half, several adrenaline surges and brisk walking (because I've become bored with shopping, even at Barnes and Noble. I know. It's crazy)I felt safe to drive home. . .Convieniently forgetting that I needed to stop and get snacks for the kids and the Zoo field trip tomorrow. Dingy. So mere seconds from my house I turn up Waverly for a last minute juice box,string cheese and turkey run. A far cry from the Boones Farm wine runs in college. Oh help. I'm going to bed.

ME

2006-05-22T19:19:00.000-07:00

I've decided to change addresses again.

I'm fickle, I know. I get tired of Myspace's weirdness and all the screwy kids.

I see that the first post to this blog was last year's retreat to St. Gregory's and today's will be about the most recent retreat and attendant soul searching.

I decided to quit my second job. I'm tired,worn out and seriously running out of steam. And me out of steam is not so good.

The kids seem to be doing well. Mom, not so much. I'm tired (have I mentioned?) and crushingly lonely. That I didn't expect. I suppose in the marriage I had some sort of hope that things would change and get better but now that it is over there is this very real void where hope should be. I wondered on the weekend at the Monk's place what is that feeling, that void? Why do I feel that? I have a house, two kids, a large econoline van, three pairs of shoes, a master's degree, a seriously important and fulfilling job. I should be both satisfied and happy. . . That's the American way/dream/delusion/arrogance,right?

People say, "you need to just be by yourself for a while," "Now is the time to be alone," etc. But guess what, I have been alone for a long time. Some of my alone things: apartment living, traveling to Israel, New York, Chicago, Eating alone in restaurants (I do this often), Going to movies alone (also an often thing), bookstores, yarn shops (not so much anymore), shopping, keeping a household together, raising children, raising gardens, teaching, crying,dreaming. I know about alone.

What I don't know is what love feels like. I know duty, sorrow and suffering. I know commitment against all odds. I know how to be faithful and upright. I know how to feel shame and horror. But, I do not know what it is like to be in love. I don't know what it is like to trust someone with not only your life but also your heart. I don't know what it is like to be touched by someone and have your heart sing. I don't know what it is like to fight and want to make up. I don't know what it is like to miss someone some specific someone with all that you are, heart, mind body, to miss a hug or a certain kiss. And the world/church says I need to be alone to figure this out and to go on with my life alone. Alone alone alone And that there is some error in my programming when alone is not enough. And I believed it, until I was alone at the Monk's place. (cue irony laugh)But I really don't think I can figure this particular wrinkle out alone. Not this time. Though anyone who reads this is probably terrified of me by now.

I don't think there is an error in my programming. I have much to give the world and I give a lot through my teaching and my children and my myriad friends but I am emptying out my coffers with not deposits being made. If I run out of steam who will be there for my kids, my children(kids are students), my friends. And I will surely shrivel and die. There are many forms of death. I am not willing to die; not anymore. My death will be dangerous for more than just me.

I want...I need someone to see me and value me for ME and not just my work. To be fascinated by ME and not just my abilities to listen to ME and not just my causes. I am in here. I do exist. Really. It took me a while to figure that out but it's true. I exist. Despite all evidence to the contrary.

Catsup;Ketchup;Catch Up

2005-09-19T22:05:00.000-07:00

So I suppose I have finally come out of some sort of blog funk, though, these past weeks have been quite eventful. The kids and I went to chicago with Cindy Agnew and her kids. We went to Navy Pier Children's and that was fabulous! Seriously. I couldn't believe how much fun we had. Then the girls and I went with Miss Mary Fouty to the Renaissance Festival in Holly, Mi. That was also an incredible time. The girls were given great accolades for their lovely, Fairy princess costumes complete with wings; we have had four weeks of classes and 2 essays; my computer has finally given up the ghost; we've got a new babysitter and I have finished and ripped an entire sweater (that is 500yards of yarn-5 football fields-I just want you to understand);
and. . .I washed some dishes.

I had a birthday and got 2 birthday presents: a very interesting book on Irish Folk and Fairy Tales (I half thought about going back for a Ph.d. in Lit. . . .but only half), and a wonderful set of Denise Interchangable Needles (from Sharon and Emily, my very favorite retirees). Lila started school; kindergarten, half-day, everyday, and on occasion, Eva cries when she leaves. It's very sweet and very sad, all at the same time. As well, it's raining.

The garden has bloomed and given and now needs to be closed up. I don't exactly know how to do that, but I'll figure it out.

What else? I've started a Names of God study. We began with Jehovah-shalom (Judges 6) and moved on to Jehova-jireh (Genesis 22) and now Adonai (Exodous 33). I think I need to internalize the meaning of these names and then I'll be able to see God as "My Peace," and, "My Provision," and, "My Soveriegn Lord" ( I still need some work on this one). Any ideas are welcome.

We've been busy. You understand.

2005-08-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

What do you think the world would be like if we all stopped doing what we "SHOULD" do?

Standing in a circle of quiet

2005-08-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

I just read somebody's blog. And I am jealous. Pictures of the family, laughing, happy, enjoying life. Stories of vacation and communion with friends. JEALOUS. OH, God. Here is not the place to talk about this, I am sure. But it makes my heart sick that that is not my life.

I ask "what's wrong with me? Why am I not worth pictures, or laughter or vacation or joyful times?" But that is not profitable questioning. It's not my life. Ok. That's ok, because I have done what I can. And part of that "doing what I can" is giving myself permission to say here, I'm jealous. My first instinct is to hole up and hide away. I may feel different in the morning. I may not. God is still God, my kids are still wonderful and I am still a work in progress but I will not succumb to the loss or the jealousy and I will not hide the pain anymore.

I may quit reading blogs, though.

A farmer's woes. . .

2005-07-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

SO, we had this crazy pouring rain on Sunday that flattened several of my corn stalks.

Needless to say, I was slightly peeved. I harvested some corn today and it was tiny, Eva sized corn. But I did get some great cornsilk and husks for doll's. Clearly I know nothing about corn.

It is 11pm and 81 degrees outside, 69% humidity. Lord, o Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?

Don't leave home. . .ever

2005-07-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

So I left Davin home with the kids this evening. I went to Altu's and to the Knitting Guild's weekly knit-in.

Altu's is great Ethiopian food and save your jokes. They do have food in Ethiopia.

So I get home after grocery shopping and a blockbuster run, take out the garbage and come to the computer.

My "y" is laying on top of my keyboard. Not in the keyboard, but on top. It seems like whenever I am gone from here something strange (or sometimes awful) happens. My computer is a wreck already, but it needs no help toward computer heaven.

I will not ask the obvious questions.

A balustrade

2005-07-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Anybody got any bright ideas about suffering that happens near you?

One of my students is from Sudan. He has not seen nor heard from his father since 1983. His mother went missing in 2000. Holy cats. He has seen numerous atrocities and "Crimes against humanity." With his own eyes. YIKES!

He seems to be doing ok. He is a really nice guy/dad/student. He seems to have pulled through. But. . .

He has suffered near me. What do I do?

I have suffered near people. What should they do?

Are you suffering? What can be done?

Self-pity is not part of the equation here. Suffering is real. It comes in intensities but all intensities hurt. Is suffering to be alleviated or endured? And are we (the hands and feet of God) to do the alleviation or stand arm-in-arm and become a balustrade for endurance?

Or should we just ignore it?

I Am Still Here

2005-07-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

So, I've been chided to post more. I am sure that is interesting, in that, this is not the first time that I have been chided for not posting.

I've got nothing to say really.

The kids are fine. Lila has been really cruddy lately. Like, all the worst of the elementary school playground. She's bossy, she's yelly, she's sassy. I'm ready to trade her in. Any takers? She did say that she desperatly misses Cole and Chaz, so maybe that accounts for her craziness. Luckily, they are back from their honeymoon and ready to play.

Cole was saying that everyone is keeping their distance and not calling since they got back from CA. It's hard to know how to handle the returning couple. Do they want company or privacy? Probably both. It'll work out.

Eva is well. She reminds me not to yell at her sister by hummming at me. Seriously. If I yell even a little, she hummms at me angrily and I stop and apologize. It is really handy to have an external conscience. I think I will take her around with me forever.

Working this summer is tougher than I had imagined. It is taking up all of my time and all of my good graces. Grrr.

I hope to go to Stratford in August to see Into The Woods . Anyone want to come with me?

. . .on the horizon.

2005-06-06T19:38:00.000-07:00

Davin started his new job today. And then we actually sat down and talked about it. I enjoyed that.

go figure.

Inside and Out

2005-06-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Hey, so Here we are again. I'm knitting. and it seems to give me a pain in my shoulder. What a sad state of affairs. Anywho. How do you like that?

I was blog hopping today and I am amazed at how distant the world of blogs seems to me. It used to offer me a little glimpse into peoples lives and thus made me feel closer to these people. And now. . .

Blog hopping makes me feel isolated. Wow. Part of me wonders about shrinking spheres and implosion of personalities. I can't fully understand or explain. Wow.

Monk'ing around

2005-05-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

So, a few quick things:

1) I finished knitting and felting a moebius basket this weekend. . . from a pattern . . . woah.

2) I finished said basket for Nicole's wedding so that Lila can carry it and throw flowers out from it.

3) I finished said basket at a monastic house. (that's where monks live)

4) One of the monks made a very obscure reference to Donny Darko.

5) I am commencing a new basket for myself (I really like the brazenly stolen pattern) but I did increase the size by 1/2 ( I can't be a slave to a pattern more than once); and,

6) I have realized that I really, really like monks.

Idle hands

2005-05-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

What can we do today? I have made a grave error. I have gotten out of bed without a plan for the children today.

That means I don't know what we are going to do today. They are running circles around me and banging my computer.

I fear there will be rope and fire soon.

Will no one save me?

I am dooo. . .

It's raining, it's pouring. . .

2005-05-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

Can you be electrocuted from lightning when you are on a wireless connection?

Hell-I-Reckon. . .

2005-05-17T23:41:00.000-07:00

So, I'm supposed to be taking this online class for my work (teaching) and I can't get the dog gone thing to start. Do you think that automatically eliminates me for teaching online? That is what the class is supposed to teach me?

Sheer stupidity, isn't it?

Slip sliding away. . .

2005-05-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

You know what I find very sad, slipping in and out of people's lives.

If you know me, you know that I am a person who likes most people and likes to be around most poeple. Often. It could be said that I am a person who doesn't like to be alone, but that Is really not true. It is hard for me to hang out with my small children for long periods of time alone, but I have come to believe that that is relatively common. More on that later.

But just now I feel really estranged from many people who had been relatively integral in my life. I don't know why and I don't know how to fix it, because I guess I don't know if these people want it to be fixed. I wonder if it is my children.

Rock 'em, Sock 'em kidlets

2005-04-02T08:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so once again I am not doing too well with this whole posting thing and none of you has called me on it. Where's the accountability, where's the love?!

No matter. I will forge on and try to remember that I have a blog.

So, what's new?

Well, Eva (she's 19 mts old) has started to torment her older sister (Lila, who is 4). Eva is, apparently, an extremely emphatic human bean ( I don't know where she gets that) and she wants what she wants, be it toys or food or whatever. So if Lila stands in her way, she proceeds to pinch her or pull her hair. Now, you might say, "that's not unusual between siblings." But let me give you an image of Lila in these situations: "MOOOOOOMMM! Eva pinched me" Insert various whining and moaning where appropriate. It seems to my mind, being an only child, that an older sibling would in some way retaliate or defend herself against a BABY who barely weighs 20 pounds. But, apparently, I have children whose demeanors are different enough that this problem could go on and on. And, in general, the parenting books frown on boxing rings.

go figure.

Hey, here I am again . . .(on my own)!

2005-03-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

I am at Beaner's with Nicole Provencal (who is shockingly soon to become Carrillo) attempting to grade papers and do teacher stuff. I did nothing during spring break, just like my students, sooooo now I have to cram, just like my students. But, by the by, Nicole says I need to have my own blog and I half agree so here it is, Folks, A new and improved Webface for Chey.

Now, let's set a few ground rules:

1) You must comment (this means you, YOU, YOU)! It is for the good of all and the continuation of the dying art of conversation. Ok. It's just because I want the attention and feedback, I am a teacher, you know.

2) You must play along with all contests and memes and surveys (or at least the ones that look mildly interesting); and finally,

3) You must come back and see us often and lambast if there has been no posting ( I need the accountability, I am an evangelical, after all).

Now I have to go home an do MOM. I've got to teach in the morning and I need to finish watching "The Two Towers" tonight. YIKES!

PEace