Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Feelings, woah woah woah, feelings

So, the girls and I went to a softball game that Annie Rae was playing tonight. Mr. Mike and Mama Melinda (Eva calls her Mama Minda) were there. Eva was sort of concerned that we would not be seeing Buster Brown because "they go together, like Rama Lama Lama Ka ding ditty ding de dong!" I tried to explain that we were not going to Mama Melinda's house and that's where Buster would be. It was an uphill battle all the way. I don't think I won.

Eva did come by to ask if she could pet some woman's baby. Seriously.
I said, "You'll have to ask her."

She did.

So,

I've been having a lot of feelings. I am not used to that and I don't really care for it, frankly. I decided to take a sleeping pill and a glass of wine tonight and that should take care of today. Tomorrow, another uphill climb.

Here's a really raw and honest question(good thing I had the wine. I'm sure I'll regret this in the morning). Why would Satan choose to attack a person (you and/or me) in a particular place repeatedly? Now please don't think that I am trapped or returning to my charismatic roots, but it has come to my attention that I get smacked in the same place again and again. And it's not in my sense of worth at work or in my sense of worth in parenting (much) but my sense of control and worth when it comes to emotion and the concept of deep and honest interpersonal relationship. But think about this, you could probably ask any of my close friends(there are actually quite a few, I would say) and I would guess they'd say they know me well. But I am beginning to doubt that, perhaps I don't know myself all that well. I find myself feeling more and more isolated in my "holy of holies"and I haven't quite figured out why or what can be done.

I would have thought that I am a really open person, but I begin to wonder and I'm sure it stems from some sort of fear of rejection. It's odd.

I want to go to New York. I'd like to walk the Guggenheim sans kidlets. I think that would make me feel better. Odd.

Kisses.

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