Monday, May 29, 2006

Another set of truths

Sometimes I like to be alone. You may have already guessed that from the trips I take and long to take. Sometimes I wonder if I have gotten to like it (being alone) too much.

This weekend Mama Melinda took me camping. The monkeys were with their father.

I went to sleep around 11 on Sunday night in our big tent(we have 3 tents and we never camp. go figure) and I woke up alone. Ahh, glorious.

I laid in bed (in bag?) till I was good and ready to get up. There were no sounds of need. No "mom, mom, mom, mom,mom...etc." Just crickets and birds and things that take care of themselves.


I did have to repeat this mantra:

"Our God is not a God of anxiety,"

in order to not worry about my broken van or where Lila will go to school or being lonely in the long run or, or, or....

I think it worked. Today was a good day.

Friday, May 26, 2006


Ok, so. . .

Book group was last night. At my house. For the first time in 2 years.

I was, of course, in a panic. But it turned out wonderfully. And all the ladies were so wonderful to overlook our plethora of plastic toys, half painted kitchen and sprung (as in, springs are sprung) couches.

I tell you, it almost made up for the $400 flights to New York ( I want to go to the Guggenheim, remember). Thanks, ladies!

Got no plans for Memorial Day. Care to invite us?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Feelings, woah woah woah, feelings

So, the girls and I went to a softball game that Annie Rae was playing tonight. Mr. Mike and Mama Melinda (Eva calls her Mama Minda) were there. Eva was sort of concerned that we would not be seeing Buster Brown because "they go together, like Rama Lama Lama Ka ding ditty ding de dong!" I tried to explain that we were not going to Mama Melinda's house and that's where Buster would be. It was an uphill battle all the way. I don't think I won.

Eva did come by to ask if she could pet some woman's baby. Seriously.
I said, "You'll have to ask her."

She did.


I've been having a lot of feelings. I am not used to that and I don't really care for it, frankly. I decided to take a sleeping pill and a glass of wine tonight and that should take care of today. Tomorrow, another uphill climb.

Here's a really raw and honest question(good thing I had the wine. I'm sure I'll regret this in the morning). Why would Satan choose to attack a person (you and/or me) in a particular place repeatedly? Now please don't think that I am trapped or returning to my charismatic roots, but it has come to my attention that I get smacked in the same place again and again. And it's not in my sense of worth at work or in my sense of worth in parenting (much) but my sense of control and worth when it comes to emotion and the concept of deep and honest interpersonal relationship. But think about this, you could probably ask any of my close friends(there are actually quite a few, I would say) and I would guess they'd say they know me well. But I am beginning to doubt that, perhaps I don't know myself all that well. I find myself feeling more and more isolated in my "holy of holies"and I haven't quite figured out why or what can be done.

I would have thought that I am a really open person, but I begin to wonder and I'm sure it stems from some sort of fear of rejection. It's odd.

I want to go to New York. I'd like to walk the Guggenheim sans kidlets. I think that would make me feel better. Odd.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006


Right, so. . .

I've mostly divested from MySpace, quit my second job and spent a lot of money today. Things are going well.

I've come to realize that in the last 3 years I've had 4 different blog addresses. I'm sure that has some deep meaning in the grand scheme of things, but I've decided to just go with it. The people that need to find me will.

Today was a good day. Warm, sunny, with only a scattering of tears and screaming. As wonderful as the girls are, they are still siblings.

I was actually blog reading today and came across some really funny stuff. It's good to know that humor lives on in cyberspace.

I went to dinner (alone) at Cheeseburger in Paradise by the Lansing Mall and had a Watermelon martini. They are quite large. So I thought I'd better have a walk before I drove home. So there I am trying to navigate across SAGINAW 3 sheets to the wind. Yikes. BUt I am all right and alive. Big Lots is having a big sale. There is no furniture at Burlington Coat Factory and if you run really fast crossing 5 lanes of traffic is a cakewalk. Really.

The mall pretty much sucks these days;it's all under construction. A dumb move, I think, this close to summer.

After an hour and a half, several adrenaline surges and brisk walking (because I've become bored with shopping, even at Barnes and Noble. I know. It's crazy)I felt safe to drive home. . .Convieniently forgetting that I needed to stop and get snacks for the kids and the Zoo field trip tomorrow. Dingy. So mere seconds from my house I turn up Waverly for a last minute juice box,string cheese and turkey run. A far cry from the Boones Farm wine runs in college. Oh help. I'm going to bed.

Monday, May 22, 2006


I've decided to change addresses again.

I'm fickle, I know. I get tired of Myspace's weirdness and all the screwy kids.

I see that the first post to this blog was last year's retreat to St. Gregory's and today's will be about the most recent retreat and attendant soul searching.

I decided to quit my second job. I'm tired,worn out and seriously running out of steam. And me out of steam is not so good.

The kids seem to be doing well. Mom, not so much. I'm tired (have I mentioned?) and crushingly lonely. That I didn't expect. I suppose in the marriage I had some sort of hope that things would change and get better but now that it is over there is this very real void where hope should be. I wondered on the weekend at the Monk's place what is that feeling, that void? Why do I feel that? I have a house, two kids, a large econoline van, three pairs of shoes, a master's degree, a seriously important and fulfilling job. I should be both satisfied and happy. . . That's the American way/dream/delusion/arrogance,right?

People say, "you need to just be by yourself for a while," "Now is the time to be alone," etc. But guess what, I have been alone for a long time. Some of my alone things: apartment living, traveling to Israel, New York, Chicago, Eating alone in restaurants (I do this often), Going to movies alone (also an often thing), bookstores, yarn shops (not so much anymore), shopping, keeping a household together, raising children, raising gardens, teaching, crying,dreaming. I know about alone.

What I don't know is what love feels like. I know duty, sorrow and suffering. I know commitment against all odds. I know how to be faithful and upright. I know how to feel shame and horror. But, I do not know what it is like to be in love. I don't know what it is like to trust someone with not only your life but also your heart. I don't know what it is like to be touched by someone and have your heart sing. I don't know what it is like to fight and want to make up. I don't know what it is like to miss someone some specific someone with all that you are, heart, mind body, to miss a hug or a certain kiss. And the world/church says I need to be alone to figure this out and to go on with my life alone. Alone alone alone And that there is some error in my programming when alone is not enough. And I believed it, until I was alone at the Monk's place. (cue irony laugh)But I really don't think I can figure this particular wrinkle out alone. Not this time. Though anyone who reads this is probably terrified of me by now.

I don't think there is an error in my programming. I have much to give the world and I give a lot through my teaching and my children and my myriad friends but I am emptying out my coffers with not deposits being made. If I run out of steam who will be there for my kids, my children(kids are students), my friends. And I will surely shrivel and die. There are many forms of death. I am not willing to die; not anymore. My death will be dangerous for more than just me.

I want...I need someone to see me and value me for ME and not just my work. To be fascinated by ME and not just my abilities to listen to ME and not just my causes. I am in here. I do exist. Really. It took me a while to figure that out but it's true. I exist. Despite all evidence to the contrary.