Monday, August 01, 2005

Standing in a circle of quiet

I just read somebody's blog. And I am jealous. Pictures of the family, laughing, happy, enjoying life. Stories of vacation and communion with friends. JEALOUS. OH, God. Here is not the place to talk about this, I am sure. But it makes my heart sick that that is not my life.

I ask "what's wrong with me? Why am I not worth pictures, or laughter or vacation or joyful times?" But that is not profitable questioning. It's not my life. Ok. That's ok, because I have done what I can. And part of that "doing what I can" is giving myself permission to say here, I'm jealous. My first instinct is to hole up and hide away. I may feel different in the morning. I may not. God is still God, my kids are still wonderful and I am still a work in progress but I will not succumb to the loss or the jealousy and I will not hide the pain anymore.

I may quit reading blogs, though.

3 Comments:

Blogger Sharon said...

I have caught you laughing on more than one occasion you know.

7:34 PM  
Blogger HeyChey said...

But never in a picture!

4:15 PM  
Blogger momteacherfriend said...

I have always enjoyed you...we should get together. Let the kids run rampant and just chat.

1:16 PM  

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