I've decided to change addresses again.
I'm fickle, I know. I get tired of Myspace's weirdness and all the screwy kids.
I see that the first post to this blog was last year's retreat to St. Gregory's and today's will be about the most recent retreat and attendant soul searching.
I decided to quit my second job. I'm tired,worn out and seriously running out of steam. And me out of steam is not so good.
The kids seem to be doing well. Mom, not so much. I'm tired (have I mentioned?) and crushingly lonely. That I didn't expect. I suppose in the marriage I had some sort of hope that things would change and get better but now that it is over there is this very real void where hope should be. I wondered on the weekend at the Monk's place what is that feeling, that void? Why do I feel that? I have a house, two kids, a large econoline van, three pairs of shoes, a master's degree, a seriously important and fulfilling job. I should be both satisfied and happy. . . That's the American way/dream/delusion/arrogance,right?
People say, "you need to just be by yourself for a while," "Now is the time to be alone," etc. But guess what, I have been alone for a long time. Some of my alone things: apartment living, traveling to Israel, New York, Chicago, Eating alone in restaurants (I do this often), Going to movies alone (also an often thing), bookstores, yarn shops (not so much anymore), shopping, keeping a household together, raising children, raising gardens, teaching, crying,dreaming. I know about alone.
What I don't know is what love feels like. I know duty, sorrow and suffering. I know commitment against all odds. I know how to be faithful and upright. I know how to feel shame and horror. But, I do not know what it is like to be in love. I don't know what it is like to trust someone with not only your life but also your heart. I don't know what it is like to be touched by someone and have your heart sing. I don't know what it is like to fight and want to make up. I don't know what it is like to miss someone some specific someone with all that you are, heart, mind body, to miss a hug or a certain kiss. And the world/church says I need to be alone to figure this out and to go on with my life alone. Alone alone alone And that there is some error in my programming when alone is not enough. And I believed it, until I was alone at the Monk's place. (cue irony laugh)But I really don't think I can figure this particular wrinkle out alone. Not this time. Though anyone who reads this is probably terrified of me by now.
I don't think there is an error in my programming. I have much to give the world and I give a lot through my teaching and my children and my myriad friends but I am emptying out my coffers with not deposits being made. If I run out of steam who will be there for my kids, my children(kids are students), my friends. And I will surely shrivel and die. There are many forms of death. I am not willing to die; not anymore. My death will be dangerous for more than just me.
I want...I need someone to see me and value me for ME and not just my work. To be fascinated by ME and not just my abilities to listen to ME and not just my causes. I am in here. I do exist. Really. It took me a while to figure that out but it's true. I exist. Despite all evidence to the contrary.